Another aspect of psychological abuse that most people are unaware of, is when an offender offers gifts as a diversion instead of admitting guilt and making amends.
This happens often in relationships and marriages. Typical scenario: your husband has wronged you, and has refused to admit or accept that he has wronged you.
He thinks it is beneath him to offer an apology. He shuts you up when you try to express your hurt and robs you of that little chance of having closure.
You try to speak about your pain, but he is not willing to pay attention because he is emotionally unintelligent. He doesn’t understand the healing and relief that comes when an offender admits guilt and shows remorse. Most times people don’t even ask for apology. They just want you to agree with them that you have hurt them and that their feeling of hurt is valid.
But because you are emotionally unintelligent, you shut them up and force them to bottle up their pains. This ends up weakening the bond you have with them.
This man-ffender who has offended you, ignores you while you go through the emotions and the pains. He then goes out and gets you something he feels you love – maybe something edible or jewelries or just anything you love. He brings it home and offers it to you in place of admittance of guilt and remorse.
In your bid to allow peace reign, or because you don’t even know you are being abused, or simple greed, you stretch forth your hands and receive that accursed gift that Naaman has brought to you.
You let go of the hurt or so you believe, and then you have sex and all things become bright and beautiful again. You probably become pregnant after the sex.
The question is, has that issue been resolved? No. It hasn’t. You only sent it to your passive memory for safe keeping. Each time he repeats this abuse, your memory bank keeps expanding.
Sadly, all that accumulated angst from the unresolved issues will form the force with which you will transfer aggression to someone else.
In case you didn’t know this, it is abuse. You are being abused and manipulated. If someone offends you, it should be resolved. There are people who hurt you and expect that things will return to normalcy even when they haven’t done the needful.
When you hurt someone, you need to admit it. It is not a weakness. It is strength. I see people in relationships, playing mind games over who should admit guilt first. It is sad. Some people will offend you and find it difficult admitting or even agreeing that your hurt is valid. It actually shows you lack respect for the feelings of your partner.
If you respect your partner’s feeling, you will not play games with his/her feelings. Gifts are wonderful, but should never be used as tools for manipulation and abuse.
Each time you accept gifts in the place of admittance of guilt and genuine remorse, you are undervaluing yourself and endangering your mental health.
- Victor Ruth – through
- Mercedeš Ekwutosim Okwukogu –